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the nature of hell
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2000-07-03
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The nature of Hell
National Post
The following is reported as an actual question appearing on a
University of Washington chemistry exam: "Is hell exothermic
(releasing heat) or endothermic (absorbing heat)? Support your
answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
law, which holds that the pressure of a given mass of gas is
inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving. I think it is safe to assume that
once a soul is in Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Some religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can therefore expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must
expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my freshman year "that it will be a cold night in Hell
before I will sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
have not yet succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then
(2) cannot be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.